sábado, 16 de agosto de 2008

Converso com minha loucura

Converso com minha loucura, ela tem vida, asas por vezes negras por vezes brancas, vida terrível e corrupta que fez-me ficar com raiva e vida “plena” e bela que me fez chorar, mas de fato é que agora os momentos belos estão se esvaindo, assim como os ruins, mas a força de fato está somente em algumas palavras e algumas visões que me fazem crer que é possível voltar a sanidade, pois a força que estas concepções tinham em minha mente de tão forte que eram me consumiam todo o tempo integral de vida, e me fizeram por muito, e por pouco não me desfiz...... considero tudo o que vivi desse lado, foi loucura, nada de espíritos, se vi e conversei, foram alguns belos mas a maioria terrível, nada de razão divina, aprendi do jeito mais cruel e mais totalitário e consumador de normalidade o que é influência e poder, o que é quantidade e qualidade destas vertentes, o que é a lei do carma com base na cobrança e no desajuste da critica para manter a docilidade, o que é predestino, que abarca tudo, destino e o poder das próprias externas coordenadas, mas se eu quis boa parte dessa infâmia nada mais me resta a não ser cuspir no lixo cósmico tudo o que a loucura gorfou em mim........nada me resta a não ser partir de novo para a solidão acalentadora e a normalidade de fluência de pensamentos......

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Никогда не писал ни на один форум, но выхода нет. Никогда не было проблемы понравиться женщинам, потому что внешностью и подвешенным языком не обделен (хотя женщин было у меня очень мало, т. к. в жизни влюблялся всего 2 раза). Три года назад вдруг влюбился на работе в одну женщину (она не моя подчиненная). Сразу попытался объясниться и с тех пор она относится ко мне с ненавистью, не известно почему. Сразу скажу, что никогда, ни до, ни после этого, у нас ничего, даже поцелуев, не было. И я даже поговорить с ней толком не могу, отвечает очень грубо. Стыдно рассказывать, какие унижения я испытывал от нее. Последний раз мне было запрещено поздравлять ее с днем рождения (все равно она мои корзины с цветами выставляла в туалет). Таким образом исчезла возможность хотя бы раз в год сымитировать видимость общения. Год назад написал ей письмо на 80-ти страницах о том, что хочу покончить с собой, просил хотя бы позвонить, но она и не подумала. Я человек верующий, но Бог мне не помогает. Дианетика тоже не помогает, хотя в других случаях помогала супер-эффективно. Колдуны говорят, что она меня приворожила, после их церемоний несколько дней становится полегче, а потом все возвращается. Предлагают приворожить ее, но я не хочу ей зла, к тому же это большой грех. Знакомые психологи болтают о НЛП, самовнушении, гипнозе, йоге (все это я давно уже перепробовал), но конкретно никто не может помочь. Стараюсь не видеть ее несколько недель, но она все равно достает. Надо по работе что-нибудь спросить, подойду в коридоре, выслушает 2-3 слова и вдруг на середине фразы с самым невозмутимым видом поворачивается и уходит. Все ухмыляются. Самое интересное, что я никогда не испытывал к ней сильной страсти, просто хочется видеть ее, говорить с ней, хотя бы немного и иногда, хочется чтобы она увидела во мне человека. Я человек сравнительно известный, говорят, что талантлив, но ей это побоку. Я женат, она замужем, мне нужно только, чтобы она ко мне относилась как к другим, даже не как к одному из друзей, а хотя бы нейтрально. А лучше всего, если бы я стал к ней относиться совершенно равнодушно, как к другим. Некоторые люди в моей жизни относились ко мне также, как и она, но на меня это не производило ни малейшего впечатления, в душе даже посмеивался над ними, всегда считал себя самодостаточной структурой, не зависимой от мнения других, кто бы они ни были. Никогда не желал ей зла, может, когда-то раньше что-то говорил неприятное нечаянно, но другим она прощала гораздо более грубые выходки. Год назад предложил ей деньги, ни за что, просто так, из одной только любви к ней, чтобы открыла свою фирму (она об этом мечтает), но она наотрез отказалась. Может быть, потом пожалела, но почему тогда не делает ни одного шага навстречу, а только старается, чтобы я ее возненавидел? Самое смешное, что внешне она мне не слишком нравится. Я не знаю, кто из нас сумасшедший, может, оба, но почти все это время я нахожусь на грани суицида, ужасно устал и дошел до отчаяния. Может кто-то даст умный совет? Буду рад любой реакции. Помогите!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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